Ask Isis
What makes a good
marriage?
With June coming, weddings can’t be far behind and Isis was
discussing with a group just what makes a good marriage?
Too often a couple can’t keep their
hands off each other and so they make the decision that they ought to get
married. Then to no one’s surprise less than five years later they are facing
each other in divorce court. Just what was it that they forgot to take into
account?
The client was still a teenager and her
boyfriend made her laugh. They got along so well that they decided to get
married. Things went well with them for some time. They both got a position
with the same company and liked spending their leisure time together. Then two
things happened. The first was the husband was introduced to hunting and being
in the woods. The wife was a city girl and though she tried tramping in the
country she just wasn’t happy with bugs and vines so he went with friends while
she stayed in the city with her friends. This might have worked out if the
husband hadn’t decided that he wouldn’t be happy unless he had the white picket
fence to come home to in the evening. The marriage broke up with out a single
bad word being said. They just found out that as they grew they had grown apart
and neither was willing to make the sacrifice.
Here are a few key items that should
always be discussed before making the commitment to marry:
#1: Who is going to handle the money?
If both parties are working they both have an income and they probably are
saying that they will both handle the money. That leads to disasters and bills
not being paid. Here is a suggestion. Each person puts into the household
checking account an agreed upon portion of their salary. If one person makes
much more money than the other there is no way that they can each go 50/50.
This is a marriage not room mates living together. Then the person who is
better at bookkeeping pays the bills each month as they come due.
#2: Children. How many times do lovers
consider children before marriage? Do you each want a child? When and how many?
Granted the decision to have a child doesn’t mean that there will be one but
what will you do if you decide you want a child and the other partner either
doesn’t want one or is infertile?
#3: Raising children. Now here is
something that no blushing bride and grinning groom ever think about. When
those hypothetical children arrive how are they going to be raised? Will it be
the, “Wait ‘til your father gets home”! Will the mother be the one to raise the
children? Or as seems to happen all too often will the children raise
themselves?
#4: Religion. For some families this
isn’t a problem as they only pay lip service to religion but what happens if
you both are very religious but in different religions? If you have children in
which church will they be brought up?
#5: Residence. At one time people grew
up, married and lived their entire life in the same town but in today’s world
people move constantly for one reason or another. If your partner took a
position in another city or state and you are just promoted to a position of
authority in your job what are you going to do? Stay? Give up your position and
hope to find something as good when you move?
#6: Grow together not apart. At the
beginning of this column I spoke of two people in love who grew apart. The
differences were too great to overcome. A marriage can last if there is
something that holds the two parties together.
#7: Love. Are you in love? Being “in
love” never lasts. “Being in love” is only the beginning. To make a marriage
last ‘in love’ must change to love. Being ‘in love’ is exiting. Your eyes
sparkle, life is sweet and the one you are ‘in love’ with is perfect.
Unfortunately it doesn’t last. He snores. She wakes up sleep walking until her
first cup of coffee and mumbles while he loves the morning. When ‘in love’
turns to love you can look at that slob at the breakfast table and know that
you did right by marrying.
#8: Being Friends. Can you truly say
that you are friends as well as lovers? Do you feel comfortable confiding in
your mate? Can you say anything about your feelings knowing that the other
person will understand? So often a couple finds that after the sex they have
nothing in common.
#9: SEX: Last but not least is sex. Sex
can be an act of love. Lust is often the
first thing to go in a marriage but sex between partners should always be
important. More marriages have been broken because one or the other was looking
for the lust that started it all. They don’t realize that married sex is about
caring and sharing.
These are only a few of the things that are important to
think about before taking that step to matrimony. If you plan to marry in June
have you and your significant other answered them?
Questions and Suggestions can be asked at
<askisis@isistemple.org>
